Sunday, February 29, 2004

Lecture piece:Burderned by the core requirement of Labor Economics

Who really cares about a monopsomy or a monopoly?
To me they’re all monotony.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are my cross to bear.
For, requirements do take up their share.
75 minutes is a long time to stare
at other peoples’ hair.
When I get sick of that…
I then decide who is fat.

All the while

I beg the clock to move a bit quicker
So hope can again flicker.
The professor is sort of chill
Its not his fault the subject makes me want to kill.


I can feel myself getting closer. There are signs everywhere. The flat smoothe pavement contrasts the winding country roads. The radio plays Fly 92. I’m not driving anymore. I’m being pulled home. The car turns itself onto the Northway. The circular on ramp and quick traversal through the EZ Pass tell me I’m almost there. The dark black pavement with the sharp white lines feels civilized. The rush hour traffic is refreshing and warming like the garage door opening and knowing it is your mother. Exit one… Crossgates mall. Exit two… Western Avenue. Exit three never got around to being built. Before exit four looms the Desmond, the creamy, ritzy hotel smiles and tells me I’m almost home. The bright annoying sign on top of the Times Union building informs me that it is 5:34 pm and 46 degrees outside. HAVE A SAFE COMMUTE! Exit four… almost time to merge right. Blinker. Exit 5. The homogenous suburban houses. The left that would take me to Handy Andy’s, Dee Dee’s Tavern, and Bela Napoli Bakery. I make a right at the red light, temporarily pausing to make sure no one is coming. The flat comfortable knowing drive. The quick left on the grayish pavement. The green sign on the right, Sage Field. Straight… quick right. Last one on the right before the cul-de-sac. The brick colonial shines. Mom put pumpkins on the porch. As I pull in my red knit laundry sack up the stoop to the front door, I stop. I touch the grooved surface. The pumpkin feels cool and smooth. The driveway is black from just being paved. The air is calm. It feels like everyone has just gotten home. The two car garages are open showing both parents are home. One or two cars dot the driveways to prove that the kids made it home for dinner. I imagine neighbors all sitting at their tables. Alex rides his bike around the pine trees that occupy the cul-de-sac. He rides the wheels over the rough black pavement that skinned my knees and elbows. I place my thumb on the button to first open the screen door. It has to be pushed in all the way. Next the heavy blue door with the cool coppery handle. My foot steps upon the milky ceramic tile leaving a brown print.

She stands paralyzed with the knife in her hand approximately four inches above the cake. Happy Half Birthday Kelly, it reads in a sugary blue frosting that covers the store-bought yellow cake. I can see the thoughts that are running through her head. Yup… Did that freshman year, sophomore year, and junior year. Her expression is an ongoing internal battle pulling her in every which direction. I recognize it, I can still remember it. Her brain is calculating the approximate value of the calories and then evaluating them in terms of her daily calorie intake so far. Her brain is saying no. Her body is saying please feed me something other than lettuce and ketchup. She throws down the knife in disgust. She is disgusted she could let herself be fat again. I want to yell, “Anna stop it!!! It’s not worth it!!!” But I don’t. I don’t want anyone to know I ever had a problem. How else can you say…I know that face. I know it tears at you, staring at that cake wishing you could have a piece but knowing you’re too strong to do it. Then for a brief second thinking of screwing it all. Then the shame for even having thoughts of such weakness. Yeah… I know about that. I used to fear my wedding day. How would I get away with not eating a piece of wedding cake? Maybe I could have a wheat allergy. Everything I felt, I see in Anna’s movements and expressions. The doorbell rings and I sign for the UPS package. I return to the kitchen. With perfect poise, Anna sits and the table. Slender and studious with a messy bun on top her head and silver frames that add a look of intelligence to her classic beauty and high cheekbones. She squirts splashes of zero calorie spray butter from the yellow Parkay container. Then she dumps a packet of Equal upon the yellow puddle. Next she dips her pointer finger in the medley and sucks it off her finger.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

The Sound of Music… Take 2


Eyes transfixed
Julie Andrews and the Van Trapp children run across the screen
Puppets and parents
Clothes from curtains
Soldiers in black
Yelling something funny as they raise their hands
Little red symbols on their arms
The Van Trapps cross into Switzerland
Not quite sure who the soldiers in black were
Fast forward…
Fourth grade…
Mrs. Houlihan explains the Nazis and the Holocaust
My heart aches that people could be so cruel…
I run to the bathroom to cry
That night
The movie of the week…
Sound of Music
It all comes together
My definition of epiphany

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